identification

this afternoon i identified
that elusive emotion -
humiliation

this evening
i had no trouble
knowing it

first frost

late October walk
in a quiet early morning
Sunday town

it takes a moment
until my feet
can tell me
I am walking
on frozen grass

some things I've learned in the past week

locked myself out of the motel room

I've been leaving things
here and there
shoes
jammies
my dignity















Trio, The Grass is Blue, Cowgirl's Prayer, New Favorite

These things have been sustaining me.
Perhaps I need to rethink things.















if you want freedom
don't mistake circles
for revolutions
-d. a. levy


we've been here before
surely you recognize it
(though I had to be reminded)

I don't want to come back
here again, I intend
to find the true path this time

for Janice

(thank you)

It is all right
to be sad.
It is, indeed,
appropriate.

transfer

did you get any rest there, gal?

the voice of my father speaks to me
through a chinese horse

today

i will be a stranger in my own house

"you don't know what a chance is until you have to seize one"

empty, no direction
but moving north

winding around back roads, too hard to drive
with the notions in my head

one more effort to assess my status
to have a body of understanding (I’ve mentioned it before)

i knew he’d be there, know just the right things to say and do:
leave me alone, listen, wonder and hold me

and he was with understanding beyond reason
beyond what i deserve, just exactly what i needed

knowing when to lay me down, let me sleep
care for me, think ahead when i could not

i am not often on the receiving end of this kind of care
and there is nothing i have to give him back

for this incredible kindness

morning

new morning
first morning
sun rises
unseen sneaking up
between buildings

no notion of tomorrow
but that it'll be here

library

he sings

"prayer
just like any other
nothing more nothing less"

sleeping sitting up

i just awoke
from a little sleep
sitting at my desk

"honey, you're gonna have some set backs"

unknown

It is odd to be in limbo and not in limbo all at the same time.

So...if it is possible.

I need to think in colors and not in different shades of fear.

knew it was coming
had to leave the room

didn't want you to know
how that song takes me out

lays me down without
any secrets

talking about bluegrass gospel with you made me remember

it was a surprise
(my hillbilly genes overpowered my atheist nature)

this afternoon I walked to the river
didn’t wear orange because I just didn’t feel like
putting myself into that snug fitting orange sweatshirt
on such a heavenly day, everything was just right
socks and boots included
(there I go again, listening to the moans)
didn’t wear orange because I didn’t want to be as
aware of my breasts as that orange sweatshirt makes me
not today when I might get distracted by them
hold them the whole way down to the river
forget to look around
forget to listen
just forget

but this has nothing to do with my breasts or
the orgasms that I had earlier this afternoon
lying in the sun, letting my mind rest
with only the occasional foreign word
(eventually I was still with the book lying over my face -- it left a mark --
my knee in the air and filling bladder so I didn’t slip too far into the rays)
it has to do with what happened
later in the afternoon
after a walk with the dogs
and a brisk walk all my own
while I was sitting on the river bank
in the spot where I’ve been going
to watch, to listen, to throw sticks and stalks into the current

a shot had echoed up the river a little earlier
on this extra day in the deer hunting schedule
and I knew from the feel of the sound that it had traveled a ways to get to me
that the gun was not near me, no fears of being mistaken for a deer
though many, most, times, I practice the quiet walk
the listening walk, deliberate and engaged

after a few pages of notes during which I realized
there is only so much I’ll hear in these waters
I was sitting on the chilly mud and a shot rang out
closer - from this side of the river
I spent some time looking for orange and also a little time
wondering if I could outrun bigfoot and then
cursing my decision not to slip that sweatshirt over my body

knew that I should stop acting like a non-human animal
so I decided to sing
it was a desperate decision, though important

you know, I’ve been working on this for hours
and it must mean there’s something I’m not willing to accept
I’ve been trying to get it out, trying to admit it and
I’ve just walked away from the whole thing over and over
the thing I’m trying to acknowledge
is that when my back was up against the wall
I started singing hillbilly gospel
and it didn’t matter that I couldn’t quite remember the words
or sing the tune

excision of my heart

only now
do i understand
somehow
i've managed to remove it all

it must've
taken years
to discharge it
so completely

what part of my
irredeemable soul
held the knife, i will not know

took it up to cut out
anything with life

"you are like a rock"

and I know this is right
I know my heart is in the middle
and cannot escape